The Location of Experience
3 hours ago
I wanted to ask her why she regretted being born, if it was a knife-in-the-heart all-consuming regret or an intermittent, passing regret like a loose tooth you worry with your tongue every once in a while. I didn't know how to say the words. I didn't know how I'd answer her answer. (p.73)
How do you love someone who wants to be left alone and die? How do you stay? How do you walk away? (p.130)
I also dreamt that I'd had a baby.
So did I! I said. the other night.
Logan rubbed his face and moaned and stared out the window. He didn't want to be having the same dreams and dark desires as his flabby-armed aunt. (p.134)
But, said Logan, a fifteen year old could technically live on his own, right?
...
No, a fifteen year old cannot live on his own, I said.
Pippi Longstocking wasn't even fifteen, said Thebes, and she-
Yeah, but she was a character in a book, I said.
And she was Swedish, said Logan.
So there would have been a solid safety net of social programs to help keep her afloat, I said. It doesn't work here.
Yeah but the point of Pippi was that she didn't need anybody or any social programs to help her, said Logan. She was that strong.
Yeah, I said, but unhumanly so. She could lift a horse. Can you?
(p.150)
I'd come up with a plan. Min was in the universe. She was a dim and falling star, but she was alive. She hadn't loved watching the sun's eclipse as much as she'd loved watching it reappear. If she had really, truly wanted to die she'd have succeeded a long time ago. She loved the brink, going to it and returning from it. Or maybe she didn't love it. Maybe she hated it. But it didn't matter. Maybe going to the brink made her feel like she'd accomplished something extraordinary, like there was a purpose to her life, if only to prolong it in spite of herself. She was the captain of both teams, waging war against herself but always pulling back from any decisive victory because that would also mean a decisive loss.
I had a new career. I had a mission. I'd become a cartographer of the uncharted world of Min and I'd raise her from the dead, like a baby, sort of. We'd do it again from scratch. We'd start all over.
....
I had faith in my plan. I had faith in Min. And I loved her. She was the baby in my dreams and maybe in Logan's too. (p.258-259)
"Columbine was fundamentally different from the other school shootings. It had not really been intended as a shooting at all. Primarily, it had been a bombing that failed...
They [the media] saw what happened at Columbine as a shooting and the killers as outcasts targeting jocks. They filtered every new development through that lens." (p.125)
Chapter 24. Hour of Need ~ Dylan's funeral service p.130-133
"Judy Brown views Eric as a criminal in bloom." (p.163)
"It pissed him [Fuselier] off, watching them brag on video about the people they would maim. "You damn little jerks," he would hear himself mutter. But sometimes he felt a little sorry for them. Their point of view was indefensible, but he had to embrace it temporarily and empathize with them. If he refused to see the world through their lens, how would he ever understand how they could do it? They were high school kids. How did they get this way? Dylan, in particular- what a waste." (p.168-169)
"When I read that first sentence, all the commotion in the band room ended," he said later. "I just zoned out. Everything else faded." Suddenly the big bombs began to make a lot more sense. The f****** world. "That's not Brooks Brown," Fuselier said. "That's not the jocks. That is an all-pervasive hate." (p.169)
"By this time, Fuselier had already read Eric's journal and seen the Basement Tapes. He knew what the media did not. There had been no trigger." (p.209)
"It was too much for Dylan. Kill? Everything? Apparently not. He made a stunning move behind Eric's back. He told..." (Dylan telling Brooks Brown about Eric's website the day before the Diversion program interview p.217)
"In a perfect world, Eric would extinguish the species. Eric was a practical kid, though. The planet was beyond him; even a block of Denver highrises was out of reach. But he could pull off a high school." (p.277)
Patrick Ireland's valedictory speech: "the shooting made the country aware of the unexpected level of hate and rage that had been hidden in high schools." But he was convinced the world was inherently good at heart. He had spent the year thinking about what had gotten him across the library floor. At first he assumed hope- not quite; it was trust. "When I fell out the window, I knew somebody would catch me," he said. "That's what I need to tell you: that I knew the loving world was there all the time." (p.302)
Dylan's story in creative writing (p.308)
The killers' parents deposed privately (p.319)
FBI guide for schools (p.322)
"The central recommendations contradicted prevailing post-Columbine behavior. They said identifying outcasts as threats in not healthy. It demonizes innocent kids who are already struggling. It is also unproductive. Oddballs are not the problem. They do not fit the profile. There is no profile." (p.322)
"Sue Petrone asked for and received the two sidewalk blocks her son Danny died on..." (p.324)
Chapter 50. The Basement Tapes: killers mimicing their parents- "if only we could have reached them sooner..." (p.328)
"Good wombs have borne bad sons" - Eric quoting Shakespeare (p.333)
Chapter 52. Quiet~ the killers' tape the morning of the massacre (p.349)
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." President Clinton quoting Hemingway (p.355)
But you're not that old, said Thebes, right? You can still find someone if you look hard. How old are you?
Twenty-eight, I said.
Okay, twenty-eight, she said. She thought for a second. You have like two years, she said. Maybe you should dress up more, though. (p. 5)
You know what I hate? she said.
No, what.
When my teacher uses carpet as a verb, she said. She put on her teacher voice. We're carpeting. After carpet I'll help you work on your personal problems. When we carpet we keep our hands in our laps.
What's carpeting? I asked.
We sit on a carpet and talk, said Thebes.
That sounds nice, I said.
Show me ten! said Thebes.
What? I asked.
My teacher says that all the time, she said. It means show me ten fingers, like show me your hands so I know you're not fooling around with them during carpet. I told Thebes that the next time her teacher asks them to show her ten, she should say she's only got two, and hold up her middle fingers. (p. 37)
How much does a polar bear weigh?
I don't know, I said.
Enough to break the ice, hi, my name's Thebes, can I buy you a drink? (p.83)
socialized health care at the border crossing story p. 71
we're all alone in the world guidance counselor p.76
Min wanting Hattie dead... we could have established a new way of being sisters p.79
giant novelty checks p.92
a bovine choir of angels in solidarity with Thebes p.118
conversing with children is a fine art p.135
hopping on one foot in kindergarten story p.148
And there was that. I was the world's worst guardian of children. I was like the neighborhood cat lady, but with kids. They were filthy, broken and eating themselves and soon they'd feed on my old corpse. p. 226
She slapped her hands down on the table, palms up, like, go ahead, fill me up with your stories of reckless gynecology. p.238
Logan telling Thebes she'll always be his favorite p.261
A beautiful, heart-stopping smile, all badly disguised tenderness and tentative joy. p. 270
Homer: Kids, how would you like to go... to Blockoland!
Bart & Lisa: Meh.
Homer: But the TV. gave the impression that--
Bart: We said "meh".
Lisa: M-E-H. Meh.
"Where does that jaded cynicism even come from? It can't be because I'm a washed up former pop star trying to put my life together, only to be told I have to take remedial math." (p.68)
"I'm too old for a singing-songwriting career," I tell him. I mean, have you seen those girls on MTV? I can't wear short skirts anymore. Too much cellulite."
"Don't be silly," Dad says dismissively. "You look fine. Besides, if you're self-conscious, you can just wear slacks." (p.89)
"I have them throw in a GET WELL SOON bear for good measure, after first making sure the GET WELL SOON banner comes off, so Manuel can regift the bear to a girlfriend or niece. You have to think about these things when you're giving stuffed toys to a man." (p.191)
"But not everyone seems to find their incredibly slim waists (how do all their internal organs even fit in there? I mean like their liver, and everything? Isn't it all squashed? Don't you need at least a 29 inch waist in order for everything in there to have enough room to do its job?) freakish." (p.235)
He now drew forth and placed upon the table a boot- small, light, and prettily shaped- upon the heel of which he had been operating.-Thomas Hardy, Under the Greenwood Tree
"The new schoolmistress's!"
"Ay, no less, Miss Fancy Day; as neat a little figure of fun as ever I see, and just husband-high."
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