Committed, Elizabeth Gilbert

"...we become compulsive comparers- always measuring our lives against some other person's life, secretly wondering if we should have taken her path instead. Compulsive comparing, of course, only leads to debilitating cases of what Nietzsche calle Lebensneid, or life envy: the certainty that somebody else is much luckier than you, and that if only you had her body, her husband, her children, her job, everything would be easy and wonderful and happy." p.46

"All these choices and all this longing can create a weird kind of haunting in our lives- as though the ghosts of all our other, unchosen, possibilities linger forever in a shadow world around us, continuously asking, Are you certain this is what you really wanted?" p.46

"Real, sane, mature love- the kind that pays the mortgage year after year and picks up the kids after school- is not based on infatuation but on affection and respect." p.102

"it was not an infatuation, and here's how I can tell: because I did not demand that he become my Great Emancipator or my Source of All Life nor did I immediately vanish into that man's chest cavity like a twisted, unrecognizable, parasitical homunculus." p.106

Dr. Shirley Glass walls & window theory p.108-109

"She had finally married her own life, and not a moment too soon." p.171

How I Write: Secrets of a Successful Author, Janet Evanovich

I love Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series and have always thought she seems like a very down to earth and fun person. My most recent book buying binge centered around books about writing so I couldn't resist adding this one to the pile and I'm glad I did.

This is a very straight forward, clear, and helpful book with tips and hints for all facets of writing. It also made me want to reread some Stephanie Plum and for Stephanie to commit to one of her gentlemen friends!

Fine, I'll Go Online!: The Hollywood Publicist's Guide to Successful Internet Dating

I think that I have convinced myself that the act of reading these dating self-help books will somehow count as me making an effort in the world of dating without me actually having to talk to real, living people. I can tell myself that I am getting out there without even leaving my house. It's a great plan!

I think I just need to get mentally prepared for the thought of actually going online and this book was a very optimistic and realistic guide to trying online dating. I liked Leslie Oren's tips for writing your profile and the tips for the first few emails as well. I just need to baby step my way into actually signing up somewhere.

Facing East: a Pilgrim's Journey into the Mysteries of Orthodoxy, Frederica Matthewes-Green

Every time I find myself daydreaming of going back to school to study something expensive, time consuming, dilettantish, that is completely unrelated to my career leading to no secure alternate career I always try to slap myself in the face with some advice I read once:

"I just think it would be fun to spend a few years in grad school."
"Remember...If you have a burning passion for Victorian poetry, you can probably satisfy this passion by yourself. Force yourself to read a few dozen academic books before deciding to dedicate your life to a subject. That is what one does in graduate school anyway. Most learning is unsupervised, independent, and onerous. Why pay or work according to an institutional timetable unless one needs an academic credential?"
-Thomas H. Benton, "So You Want to Go to Grad School?", Chronicle of Higher Education

So in the spirit of attempting to not become a grad student doing something like this (cause I'm sure they're looking to fill their quota of Mormon girls) I have a stack of books to make myself read starting with this one. I'm also going to read Lewis's Reflections of the Psalms, Joan Chittister's The Liturgical Year, and the Oxford History of Christian Worship.... we'll see how that goes in reality.

I really enjoyed Facing East. I want to get my own copy. It is definitely something I would like to reread and refer to. I was familiar with Frederica Matthewes-Green's writing in various articles I had come across and I enjoy her style. It was also fun to read this account of a new congregation being created while having the luxury of googling them to find out how things have turned out for them in the past 15 years or so since she was writing this.

Chapbook:

"The first generation is lit with a flame, but its task is to box that flame. The second generation is the curator of the museum-exhibit of its parents' passion. The third generation wonders where the fire went and longs for revival. So it goes, inevitably I suppose, and I don't see any way to prevent it. We have to box the flame; we have to build a church." p.42

"We are bowing before an image. In Protestant eyes, this is dangerous stuff."
look up Shusaku Endo's The Silence p.47

"Help, help, someone is trying to bring beans into the house..." p.54

"In Orthodoxy I'm always singing, 'I've got my Vespers in the morning and my Matins at night." p.58

"READER: What caused thee, O Judas, to betray the Savior? Did he set thee aside from the disciples?
PEOPLE: Did he deny thee the gift of healing?
READER: Did he take supper with the others and send thee away from the table?
PEOPLE: Did he wash the feet of the rest and pass thee by?
READER: Of how much goodness hast thou become forgetful?" p.63
I love that last line. It reminds me of "here's my heart, o take and seal it"

"In this drama we are moving from darkness to light very gradually; in a few moments we will be mourning again. It is a distinct departure from my experience as a Protestant...." I like the entire paragraph that follow this. p.71

I want to look up so many of the hymns mentioned, including this one:
"Let all mortal flesh keep silence, and with fear and trembling stand,
Ponder nothing earthly-minded, for with blessing in his hand
Christ our God to earth descendeth
Our full homage to demand" p.75

"It's an odd gap between that small vignette of fear and retreat and all that came next: the Apostles' relentless courage unto death, unascribable to mere fond memories of a really nice dead guy; the preaching of the Gospel across the Mediterranean bowl, the persecutions and martyrdom, the establishment and rise of the Church, and finally the disintegration of Christendom in these times, perhaps a prelude to full-circle persecution and martyrdom. But at one mesmerizing  moment, the news of Christ's resurrection was held by a handful of women who were too scared to tell anyone. But tell they did, and the story went on unreeling, and now we are standing outside in the windy dawn, on a shabby street in a little town, half a world away and two thousand years later." p.84

Another hymn to look up:
"Before dawn the myrrh bearing women..." p.86

Look up: Howard Finster p.95, Hikari Oe p.137, bread for Artoklasia p.163, St. Euphrosynus, Romanian Christmas carol mentioning apple trees at the gates of heaven p.174

"I didn't know how much I didn't know; I didn't realize that most of what I needed to learn wouldn't be found already lodged inside my smug little heart." p.115

"To think that there were people who actually died for this faith I hold so comfortably, and I barely know their names." p. 169

And after all that typing I am only half way through all my little flagged sections. Needless to say this book gave me a lot to think about as well as several different "rabbit trails" to head down. I'll add more when I am in another typing sort of mood.

Making Toast, Roger Rosenblatt

"How long are you staying, Boppo?"
"Forever."

When his daughter, Amy—a gifted doctor, mother, and wife—collapses and dies from an asymptomatic heart condition, Roger Rosenblatt and his wife, Ginny, leave their home on the South Shore of Long Island to move in with their son-in-law, Harris, and their three young grandchildren: six-year-old Jessica, four-year-old Sammy, and one-year-old James, known as Bubbies. Long past the years of diapers, homework, and recitals, Roger and Ginny—Boppo and Mimi to the kids—quickly reaccustom themselves to the world of small children: bedtime stories, talking toys, playdates, nonstop questions, and nonsequential thought. Though reeling from Amy's death they carry on, reconstructing a family, sustaining one another, and guiding three lively, alert, and tender-hearted children through the pains and confusions of grief. As he marvels at the strength of his son-in-law, a surgeon, and the tenacity and skill of his wife, a former kindergarten teacher, Roger attends each day to "the one household duty I have mastered"—preparing the morning toast perfectly to each child's liking.
With the wit, heart, precision, and depth of understanding that has characterized his work, Roger Rosenblatt peels back the layers on this most personal of losses to create both a tribute to his late daughter and a testament to familial love. The day Amy died, Harris told Ginny and Roger, "It's impossible." Roger's story tells how a family makes the possible of the impossible.

This was an interesting book and an interesting reading experience for me. How could anyone read that description and not be overwhelmed by sadness? Roger Rosenblatt and his wife, Ginny, are clearly wonderfully caring people to pick up the pieces for their grandchildren and son-in-law after their daughter, Amy's, unexpected death. The book was full of tender moments from the daily lives of the grandchildren. Those are the things that matter, the things that provide security and stability for young kids (well, really for everyone, but since I spend my days with the under 7 set it's what comes to mind more readily).

I loved the word of the day, the stories and songs (especially the Boppo national anthem), and all the glimpses into classrooms and birthday parties. Completely unrelated to the subject of death and grief it was interesting for me to read these little tidbits from schools on the East coast that are so clearly cut from the same cloth as the school I spend my days at. Rich people are rich people no matter where they are. I was thinking the whole thing throughout Caitlin Flanagan's book too. Little enclaves of privileged kids, everything so similar. And I completely agree with the author's take on the modern child's birthday party: rarely held at home, always at some type of event center (laser tag, games, gyms, build a bear, etc) and completely run by a staff of teenagers. He's totally right- they are weird. But that is beside the point.

It is a very spare, slim little book which made more sense to me when I realized it was originally a piece in The New Yorker. For me personally, the short, clipped sentences were abrupt and made me disconnect from the emotions involved. Mom read this a few days before I did and we talked about  it this afternoon before I read the last 20-30 pages. I kept saying how I admire what these grandparents are doing for their family and I am horrifed by their loss but something kept me from "liking" Roger... not that I think I need to like or agree with every author but something was just rubbing me the wrong way.

I think a big part of that dislike comes from the diametric opposite religious views we hold. Not that I think everyone should believe as I do but its hard for me to relate to someone who on the one hand says he doesn't believe in God or a higher power but then at the same time is angry at God, lashing out at Him and wanting to blame Him. To me if you don't believe it wouldn't make sense to be angry at what to you is a fictional construction. Whereas a true believer would struggle and ask why but ultimately come to find peace that God weeps with us in the midst of tragedies (p.151).

The last 20-30 pages of the book changed my opinion (of the writing and the author) dramatically. The writing seemed warmer and the outlook more reasonable... and maybe that is the point. That in the immediate aftermath of a catastrophic event like the death of your child you aren't going to make sense or seem rational but as time goes by you find ways to cope. I'm not sure but the end of the book was definitely more readable and relatable to me.

I loved this:

"I told the second graders that one of the sad and difficult things about children everywhere is that they have no power. Jessie raised her hand, 'That's not true, Boppo,' she said, 'We have the power of thought and kindness." (p.159)

I liked this too and now I want to look up Anne Sexton:

"In early November, the class took up Anne Sexton. I had never thought much of Sexton, judging her to be in a minor league compared to such contemporaries as Sylvia Plath and Adrienne Rich. But the students and I were getting into "The Truth the Dead Know," and I liked the poem better than I remembered. "This line, 'In another country people die.' What does it mean?" I asked the class. A young man said, "It means that death happens to other people." (p.112)

 "The Truth the Dead Know", Anne Sexton

Bookslut review ~ "days are to be happy in", Larkin

Washington Post review

To Hell with All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife, Caitlin Flanagan

I have wanted to read this book for a few years now, ever since I read "The Marriage Merchants" in The Atlantic but I had never gotten around to it. Then I read her article about Twilight ("What Girls Want") and finally got her book from the library. And I loved it. I have ordered my own copy and told my mom and Nora that they need to read it. The last chapter had me (and my mom when I read parts to her out loud) tearing up.

There is so much covered in the book and for now I'm just going to include a few of my favorite passages about modern weddings:

On weddings:

"Before World War II the idea that a girl of modest means would expect any of today's purchased grandeur would have been laughable. She would have been familiar with the elements of such a ceremony, would have seen lavish movie weddings and photographs of society and royal ones, but she would not have imagined that those events had much to do with her own plans. She would have been married much as her mother had been: with her best friend standing up for her and everyone looking forward to a nice party at the bride's home, the two mothers wearing corsages and ladling punch." (p.4)

"Genuine tradition is not for sale, because no one needs to buy it; it's moored in the customs of one's own family (remember them?). If Dad feels like a complete chump in his Sir Elegance tux, you've just learned something about your tradition. What the altar-bound of today end up buying from their numberless vendors is a dog's breakfast of bridal excess- part society wedding of the twenties, part Long Island wedding of the fifties. It's The Philadelphia Story and The Wedding Singer served up together in one curious and costly buffet." (p.12)

Charles and Emma: The Darwins' Leap of Faith, Deborah Heiligman

I've been interested in reading this book for awhile and hearing about it in the Battle of the Books and on Melissa Wiley's blog propelled me to the library. And I am so glad. This was such a well written and fascinating book. I kept stopping and reading out passages to my family all afternoon. This is definitely a book I want to own and plan to reread.

I really didn't know much of anything about Darwin's personal life and I knew nothing about his wife, Emma. Their relationship was so tender and I loved the many quotes from their letters to each other.

I love this quote from Charles about children:

"Children have an uncommon pleasure in hiding themselves and skulking about in shrubbery. When other people are about: this is analogous to young pigs hiding themselves." (p.13)

And this from Emma writing about her recently deceased sister made me cry:

"Oh Lord, help me to become more like her, and grant that I may join with Thee never to part again. I trust that my Fanny's sweet image will never pass from my mind. Let me always keep it in my mind as a motive for holiness. What exquisite happiness it will be to be with her again, to tell her how I loved her who has joined with me in almost every enjoyment of my life." (p.45)

Here is Charles anticipating his wedding day:

"Remember life is short, and two months is the sixth part of the year, and that year, the first, from which for my part, things shall hereafter date." (p.64)

That reminded me so much of one of my favorite Christina Rossetti poems:

"Because the birthday of my life
Is come, my love is come to me."

Mom and I happened to be talking about interfaith marriage this past week and how staggeringly hard that would be for a true believer of any faith. Emma's feelings are quite painful to read:

"Emma could not bear the thought of spending eternity without Charles, of Charles burning in hell." (p.71)

"I should be most unhappy if I thought we did not belong to each other forever. Emma to Charles, 1839" (p.96)

"Charles read the letter and cried. He was as in love with her as he could be; he wanted so much to make her happy. Alone in his study, he was committed to his theory of natural selection, the theory that would leave God out of creation. But he was committed to Emma, too, and so as he examined lily hybrids and dog breeds, as he worked out a new theory about how coral islands had evolved, he also agonized over the religion question and over the effects his work was having, and would have, on her. He felt-literally- sick to his stomach.

Yet even with the emotional pain it caused him, Charles thought Emma's letter was beautiful. "Every thing that concerns you concerns me" went both ways. He kept the letter safely preserved always. Sometime later he wrote at the edge of it:

When I am dead, know that many times I have kissed and cryed over this. C.D." (p.100)

Some of my favorite parts in this book were the chapter describing Charles and Emma settling into married life and all the descriptions of them as doting parents. I loved that Emma's family nicknamed her "Miss Slip-Slop" due to her messy habits and that she is described as having a "calm disregard for such details" in reference to keeping things neat. She and I have that in common.

This description of their early married life reminded me of Lori Gottlieb's description of the daily trivia of marriage that bonds a couple to each other:

"So the dance of a married couple had begun. She played the piano for him, and though he had a tin ear, he listened with enjoyment and love. He put up with her sloppiness; she understood his need for long hours at work. She agreed to go to fewer parties and dinners since he did not like them. He went to the theater with her, and to church." (p.94)

There is so much more that I marked up as I was reading but I am done with typing for this evening. I'll have to revisit this book again soon.

"I Can't Believe I'm Buying This Book.": A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating, Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz was featured prominently in Lori Gottlieb's Marry Him, which I thought was depressingly well done, so I was interested in reading his book. I agree with the title and fortunately I didn't buy it since the library had a copy. Someday I will probably have to give the whole online dating thing a try. It's probably a better idea than /wallowing in my spinsterhood. I did like Katz's attitude and advice.

Single: the Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled, and Independent, Judy Ford

This is a very Louise Hay-ish, positive thinking about life type of book which is what I was looking for. All quotes are from Judy Ford unless otherwise indicated.

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." - Virginia Satir

Wasting energy wishing for something you don't have while ignoring all that you do have is a vicious mental trap. p.24

"Everything that happens to you is your teacher. The secret is to learn to sit at the feet of your own life and be taught by it." -Polly Berrien Berends

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful that the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

"If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving to yourself." - Barbara de Angelis

"The happier I have allowed myself to be, the happier my children have become." - William Martin

Most of us don't win the lottery or become "discovered" overnight. Instead, our lives unfold gradually, and those delicate moments set our path in another direction without our even noticing. p. 152

"Be daring, be different, be impractical. Be anything that will assert imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the common place, the slaves of the ordinary." - Sir Cecil Beaton

"If you're saddled by the need to know the outcome before you set out, you limit your possibilities." - Janet Carlson Freed

I liked the Try This sections throughout the book:

~Plan for Valentine's Day-and all holidays, for that matter- well in advance! p.69, p.146
~Eliminate negativity p.41
~Jump into your passion p.192
~Choose a "that's good" attitude p.195
~Don't believe the statistics about age, happiness, and being single. Don't even read them p.205

There is so much more in this book that I want to reread and think about. And I was glad to be reminded of my friend, Louise Hay, as well. I am a believer in all her mantras & affirmations- I just need to remember them and be consistent.

Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, Lori Gottlieb

I read Lori Gottlieb's article in The Atlantic and was intrigued/horrified enough to want to read her book now that its out. And even though I found stretches of it really depressing and sad I agree with her. She's a great writer and has a good sense of humor about herself which I appreciated as well.

The hardest part for me about her theories is that as an LDS singleton I'm not now (and have never been in the position) of turning down potential dates for frivolous reasons. I have not been on a date since college and I graduated 6 years ago. Why? There are literally no LDS guys in my area/age range/etc. It's not me being picky. Its just the reality of the wasteland of the LDS singles scene.

"Somehow, post-Jane Austen, it's become shameful for a woman to admit how lonely she is and how strongly she wants to be part of a traditional family. What kind of educated, sophisticated, modern woman with an active social life has time to be lonely?
You're lonely? Get a life! Get a promotion! Get a hobby! Get a hair cut! You go girl!" p.56

That quote was one that resonated so much with me. I feel like even admitting you want to be married and have children is some kind of shameful secret. It's like admitting that you aren't just perfectly happy & independent, fulfilling all your own needs. I hate that.

Depressing stuff ahead:

"It seemed reasonable to think that the longer I searched, the better the guy I'd end up with. But it's faulty logic... the longer you wait, the less likely you are to find someone better than you've already met." (p.75)

"Hey, you know all those [guys] you weren't attracted to or interested in back in your twenties? Well, guess what- they're still available and some are divorced and you should be more open minded?" (p.76)

"I still hadn't come to terms with the realities of being single and never married at my age. I wasn't ready, on some visceral level, to let go of the idea of being somebody's first and only spouse, of being somebody's The One and having the exclusivity of our own family unit." (p.90)

"Clampitt matches people like this: "Number one," she said, "I look at whether the two people have common relationship goals. Number two, I look at values. Things like independence, family, religion, loyalty. Number three, what are the key qualities this person needs? You get no more than five. Things like, he has to be very intelligent. Number four, I look at shared interests. Interests are great because its bonding and stimulating and fun to share those, but the other things are more important for the long-term. I put shared interests last for that reason." (p.99)

"Marriage is about small acts of kindness that bond you over a lifetime. It's quietly romantic. He makes her tea. She goes to the doctor appointment with him. They listen to each other's daily trivia. They put up with each other's quirks. They're there for each other." (p.228)

I dogeared so many pages of this book. I'm just tired of typing out quotes I liked. I like the message to be more realistic in your dating. But in my own situation I'm still stuck with no one to be realistic about & I'm not sure what the answer is for that. I did like the hopeful tone though, of being able to change your behavior. I liked that the old stand by "definition of insanity= doing the same thing over & over expecting different results" was brought out.

A good book but a depressing one all the same.

Best Nonfiction of 2009

Columbine, Dave Cullen
Creepy, stressful, amazingly detailed, so very sad, and completely unforgettable.

Inspiring and guilt inducing all at the same time. Guilt inducing if you are a teacher that is.
Makes me so amazingly grateful to be teaching rich little babies. I couldn't deal with the sad and frustrating situations described in this book but I'm glad that someone can.

My first author reading and autographed book! This book makes me want to be a better recorder of my own life experiences and is also quite the tear jerker.

Fascinating. It also fueled my desire to be a book collector (not in an illicit way of course)

Clearly it also fueled my desire to be rich and frivolous.

The Man Who Loved Books Too Much, Allison Hoover Bartlett

This was such a fascinating book to read. I love reading books about book collectors and the sometimes bizarre things that take place in the world of rare books. This story of an unrepentant book thief and the book dealer who was obsessed with catching him was entertaining and educational. I am always amazed at the knowledge of books and printing that some people possess. It was also fun to read this book since I have actually shopped at several of the stores & sales mentioned in the story. Kind of weird, actually.

"I touched the pages and realized how much I would love to own something like it. This is how it happens, I thought." (p.28)

"Too few people seem to realize that books have feelings. But if I know one thing better than another I know this, that my books know me and love me. When of a morning I awaken I cast my eyes about my room to see how fare my beloved treasures, and as I cry cheerily to them, 'Good-day to you, sweet friends!' how lovingly they beam upon me, and how glad they are that my repose has been unbroken." - Eugene Field in The Love Affairs of a Bibliomaniac, 1896 quoted on page 75

'Camerado! this is no book,
Who touches this touches a man.'
-Walt Whitman quoted on page 129

Aside from making me wish that I had more money & space to devote to my own book collection this book had me thinking about how incredibly selfish John Gilkey, the thief, is. Over and over he tells the author how he deserves these books. Simply buying books with his own money and stopping when he has no more money doesn't appear to be an option for him. It is odd to realize on the final page that he is still out there stealing rare books at this point in time.

Now if I had the (legitimate!) means I would be all about collecting French nrf editions purely for their prettiness, first editions of books I actually like, completing my Virago green paperback quest, & the entire Persephone Books collection. Not that I've spent too much time pondering this but I would also look for Oz first editions to go with the 4 I have, LM Montgomery, Sigrid Undset, & my feminine middlebrow modern authors. That is probably enough of an imaginary shopping list for the moment. It is a fun mental game to play though; filling imaginary shelves with beautiful old books that I can't afford.

Work Hard. Be Nice., Jay Mathews

This was fascinating to read, especially after reading Rafe Esquith's book and seeing the documentary about his classroom & teaching methods. The two founders of the KIPP charter schools were inspired in large measure by Rafe's methods.

As a teacher, books like this walk the fine line of being inspiring or being depressing in a guilt inducing way. I admire the dedication and hard work of teachers like Mike Feingold and Dave Levin but it's hard for me to wrap my mind around how you teach like that and have any kind of a personal life (or remain healthy). What made me feel better is realizing that these methods are needed in the inner-city where the students have no family support (and a million other issues). My students need me but in such a different way. The school is just one aspect of their lives (they've got functional parents, extended families, nannies, coaches, music, art, scouts, travel, religious programs, etc.) It is a completely different world teaching in the setting I do. And that's ok! That was my Louise Hay-inspired affirmation for the day!

I am glad there are people out there like Rafe and Mike and Dave who are passionate and capable of helping these children succeed. This book was such an engaging read. It really reads like a novel and is so sad in parts (too many people having tragic deaths) and a little scary at times.

Columbine, Dave Cullen

When I first saw this book this spring I immediately went to my "fingers-in-ears, la-la-la, I can't hear you or see you Law & Order defense mode". I have reached this point in my life where I just can't process or even remotely handle hearing about violent crimes. I run from the room when Law & Order or other graphic crime shows are on, especially true life news magazine shows. I think part of my problem is these images get stuck in my brain and make me paranoid. And then I end up having creepy dreams after watching or reading about this stuff.

But Columbine is something I vividly remember watching unfold on the news. I was 17 at the time and was very upset by it. Obviously it's a horrific crime but I think the fact that it occurred in a suburban high school is what made it so haunting to me (& of course, lots of other people). High school is such a universal experience and I didn't want to have to imagine that happening in my own life. I think because I remember that day so clearly I always end up clicking on Columbine articles when I come across them even though I'd rather not. Which leads me to this book.

It is depressing and dark and part of me is surprised that I kept reading it. I credit that fact that I kept reading to the author, Dave Cullen, who does an amazing job both in telling the story & exposing the many myths perpetuated in the media but at the same time telling the stories of survivors like Patrick Ireland ("the boy in the window" who has gone on to have an incredibly successful life).

I feel like this book did such a good job explaining everything. I knew a lot about Columbine (thanks to reading www.acolumbinesite.com sporadically over the years) but was amazed but what I still didn't know. I was oddly relived to read the later parts of the book about the different families of the victims who have found some semblance of peace, about the principal, and about the FBI information for teachers about identifying risks. This book is powerful and completely draining to read. It was interesting to read interviews with Dave Cullen and learn that he suffered from secondary PTSD in the years since Columbine. I can only imagine what it was like to spend a decade of your life studying such dark material.

New York Times review of Columbine

Interview with Columbine principal

Chapbook:

"Columbine was fundamentally different from the other school shootings. It had not really been intended as a shooting at all. Primarily, it had been a bombing that failed...
They [the media] saw what happened at Columbine as a shooting and the killers as outcasts targeting jocks. They filtered every new development through that lens." (p.125)

Chapter 24. Hour of Need ~ Dylan's funeral service p.130-133

"Judy Brown views Eric as a criminal in bloom." (p.163)

"It pissed him [Fuselier] off, watching them brag on video about the people they would maim. "You damn little jerks," he would hear himself mutter. But sometimes he felt a little sorry for them. Their point of view was indefensible, but he had to embrace it temporarily and empathize with them. If he refused to see the world through their lens, how would he ever understand how they could do it? They were high school kids. How did they get this way? Dylan, in particular- what a waste." (p.168-169)

"When I read that first sentence, all the commotion in the band room ended," he said later. "I just zoned out. Everything else faded." Suddenly the big bombs began to make a lot more sense. The f****** world. "That's not Brooks Brown," Fuselier said. "That's not the jocks. That is an all-pervasive hate." (p.169)

"By this time, Fuselier had already read Eric's journal and seen the Basement Tapes. He knew what the media did not. There had been no trigger." (p.209)

"It was too much for Dylan. Kill? Everything? Apparently not. He made a stunning move behind Eric's back. He told..." (Dylan telling Brooks Brown about Eric's website the day before the Diversion program interview p.217)

"In a perfect world, Eric would extinguish the species. Eric was a practical kid, though. The planet was beyond him; even a block of Denver highrises was out of reach. But he could pull off a high school." (p.277)

Patrick Ireland's valedictory speech: "the shooting made the country aware of the unexpected level of hate and rage that had been hidden in high schools." But he was convinced the world was inherently good at heart. He had spent the year thinking about what had gotten him across the library floor. At first he assumed hope- not quite; it was trust. "When I fell out the window, I knew somebody would catch me," he said. "That's what I need to tell you: that I knew the loving world was there all the time." (p.302)

Dylan's story in creative writing (p.308)

The killers' parents deposed privately (p.319)

FBI guide for schools (p.322)
"The central recommendations contradicted prevailing post-Columbine behavior. They said identifying outcasts as threats in not healthy. It demonizes innocent kids who are already struggling. It is also unproductive. Oddballs are not the problem. They do not fit the profile. There is no profile." (p.322)

"Sue Petrone asked for and received the two sidewalk blocks her son Danny died on..." (p.324)

Chapter 50. The Basement Tapes: killers mimicing their parents- "if only we could have reached them sooner..." (p.328)

"Good wombs have borne bad sons" - Eric quoting Shakespeare (p.333)

Chapter 52. Quiet~ the killers' tape the morning of the massacre (p.349)

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." President Clinton quoting Hemingway (p.355)

Teach Like Your Hair's on Fire, Rafe Esquith

I watched the documentary about Rafe Esquith and his class on the last day of school late at night and exhausted. It made me cry. He is an amazing person and it was fascinating to see his classroom. The whole time I was watching I kept wanting to know the details, the schedule, how did it really work...

This book does a great job of answering practical questions and letting you get to know Rafe Esquith as a teacher. I wish I had read it sooner.

The Middle Place, Kelly Corrigan

A mom of a little boy in my class invited me to a school fundraiser featuring Kelly Corrigan reading from her book and answering questions. I don't know that I would have read this book without it being given to me as a gift but I am so glad that I did. It is wonderful. I keep talking about it with my mom and want her (and Gnorah & my aunts) to read it so we can bookclub it up.

I also really loved going to the reading. I had never been to one before and wasn't quite sure what to expect but this woman is hilarious for starters so it was very entertaining to listen to her speak. But it also made her writing so much more meaningful to me hearing her talk about her family and answer questions.

There is a lot in this book I could write about, I certainly cried my way through reading it, but I think this is one of my favorite parts:

"I asked her what the worst time in her life was.
"Sixth grade was pretty bad," she said, thinking out loud.
"Wow, me too."
"Not my sixth grade, Kelly, your sixth grade."
"Why?" I asked, wondering if I had forgotten something terrible that had happened to her that year.
"You'll see. When you're a mother and your kid's in pain and you can't stop it- it's hell. Absolute hell." (p.67)

Chapbook Entry : Sixpence in Her Shoe

p. 2
...into the hands of women life has dropped its most significant duties.

p.8
On us rests the burden (and the glory) of seeing to it that... a light shines in the window after dark and there is refreshment for body and spirit waiting at the day's end.

p.12
But what, I wonder, has persuaded her that her husband's job took anything less than him?

p.12
It is nerve racking to have to answer the thousand questions of young children. It is more than nerve racking, it is often ulcer producing, to soothe the ruffled feathers of a whimsical employer.

p.13
...been taught the dignity of work

p.20
[a liberal arts education] is a true and precious stone which can glow just as handsomely on a kitchen table as when it is put on exhibition in a jeweler's window or bartered for bread and butter. Learning is a boon, a personal good. It is a light in the mind, a pleasure for the spirit, an object to be enjoyed. It is refreshment, warmth, illumination, a window from which we get a view of the world. To what barbarian plane are we descending when we demand that it serve only the economy?

p.22
see long passage beginning "Surely the ability to enjoy Heine's exquisite melancholy in the original German..."

p.35
The whole duty of a wife is to bolster her husband's self-esteem [and vice-versa]

p.35
Never grant a favor grudgingly. If you are going to grant it anyway, do it wholeheartedly. Otherwise it's not a favor.

p.36
Praise is better than wheat germ for even the least vain of men, and every wife ought to keep a supply in her pocket ready to scatter like manna

p.37
What most barbarously frays the martial rope is two natures pulling two opposite ways

p.38
winning the last word is a dubious victory

p.38
For why should I bother advising any young wife about feeding her man on a diet of pure affection? It is true that husbands, like babies and other people, thrive on love and wither without it. It is the best life preserving medicine in existence. But any woman who can't figure that out for herself will never learn it anyhow.